Fan’s Complaint

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Back in college, some crazy irresponsible assholes (with whom I had no involvement whatsoever, and if someone tells you otherwise, they’re probably a filthy communist spy spreading disinformation about upstanding citizens such as myself) used to distribute these little things all over campus every year around this time.

I got one that said, “Please stop stalking me, freak” in my sophomore year. And since then, I have not stalked anybody.

The year after that, I got one that says “ha ha, nobody loves you.” And since then, I have been a habitual drunkard.

Happy Trifon Zarezan (Wine-grower’s Day)!

I had trouble opening my screendoor because the snow had piled against it.

The wheels of the car are no longer visible.

Will have to shovel at some point.

I am five feet, nine inches tall. According to available data, my height is exactly average. Nothing wrong with average, unless you’re looking at the craigslist personals on a friday night. Here are some excerpts from tonight’s crop:

“Seeking SWM 40 +, 5′9″+ weight in proportion to height, gainfully employed, have a great sense of humor…”

“…Subtract a point if you are:
-married
-old
-interested in being my “benefactor”
-not living in NYC
-shorter than 5′9″ ”

“…Please be 30 - 44, 5′9″ or taller, creative and send us your photos. ”

“…About you
age=25-35
weight=180-210
height=5′11-6′5 …”

“i usually go for the 5′9″ and taller guy who has nice eyes…”

“…I want to hear from SINGLE, healthy, non-smokers, over 5′9″ (shallow, but still my preference) …”

“…you: funny, sarcastic, smart, low-key, athletic, passionate, looking for something real, like to spoon, super cute (over 5′9″, trim build, usually black but i’m open). NO CIGARETTES….”

“…The man I am looking for does not smoke, do drugs, or drink (or drinks infrequently). He is a tall (5′9″ or more)…”

“…I am seeking a man between the ages of 23-30.. Would like him to be over 5′9, great looking, sweet, career driven, funny, spontaneous, not full of himself but he needs confidence, and a nice body never hurt anyone :)..”

And on it goes. I feel like the online dating scene should come with one of those signs, “You must be at least this tall…”

But I guess my smoking, drinking, emotional baggage, lack of prospects, apartment, and funds, and not being white, are also major obstacles barring my entry into the magical world of online dating.

Maybe I should write my own personal ad.

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